Wanted: A saving friend

Do you know those times when you feel desperate and alone? When it’s like everyone and everything is against you? When you think your last hope has flown? Do you know those moments, when it’s like you’re all alone?

I do. I’m in one of them at this very moment. The thing is, being me isn’t simple. I’m a complex person with complex ideas in a complex world. And the truth is: I don’t like complex. It’s making things difficult when it shouldn’t be. But it is as it is, and I can’t change it.

The last months I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and I do believe I’m on the right track to know what’s wrong in my life. I need a best friend. I’ve had three, if I’m totally honest.

The Old School Friend

The first one was my best friend from school. We hung out a lot back then, and we were best friends. Well, he had one better friend than me, but I couldn’t care then. ‘Cause yeah, who else wants to be my friend, right? He moved, and I didn’t see him for a very long time. We lost all the contact. But the angels were there for us, as we found each other again through Facebook. I’m sometimes skeptical about it, but it does bring people back together sometimes. And that made us best friends again.

And we had a lot of fun together. We started a project, we had big dreams. We talked everyday and there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t say against him. It was awesome to have someone with who you can share literally anything. From the stupidest things to all the details of the girls we were dating. And then everything broke down.

We had a fight. About a girl. I wanted to date a girl that he rejected, and he wasn’t ok with that. He decided really quickly to stop talking to me, without giving me a chance to talk about it. I tried calling him, trying to contact him in every way, but without success. He wouldn’t listen. The girl was trying the same, because she didn’t want us two to break up as best friends neither. But I lost all the hope. I was devastated.

What followed was a cold war. I tried to contact him, but when I could finally reach him on the phone, I didn’t know what to say. I was crying. A lot. Because I lost my best friend. I lost the person I could say and do anything with. So I wanted to take him back. And he reported me to the police station for something I luckily didn’t do. Otherwise I’d have been in jail, I suppose. And that was the end of our friendship. We have been working together after that (in a store) for two months, and we decided to stop making such a mess, but the damage was already done. What we had before couldn’t be fixed.

The Girl Who Liked Me Too Much

After that, I didn’t have a best friend until secondary school in Kontich, where I met some girl who was amazing. We went to the movies two times in a month, we hang out a lot, we even saw the new version of the titanic in the cinema. And it was awesome. She was someone that I trust, and that isn’t easy for me most of the time. But she was there for me. Always. Ok, I did some things wrong, but who doesn’t, right? And everything was fine.

But then we went to see soccer. I was dumped that day by my girl friend back then and I was completely broken. She came to the city for me and tried to cheer me up with soccer. I really don’t like soccer, but it helped me a little bit that day. But then we kissed. And that shouldn’t have happened.

I never saw her as girlfriend material. Never. She was my best friend and I didn’t want her to be anything else to me. But I was emotionally low and I kissed her back. If there’s something I regret a lot, it’s that. Not because of her, but because it broke our whole friendship. It couldn’t last and it didn’t. But the friendship never came back as before.

The Girl Of My Longest Relationship

The third best friend I had was a girl I was a couple with, though I didn’t know that then. I actually know the real truth since a few days; the relationship ended almost six months ago.

She was amazing and I liked her for who she was. But she’s also the relationship in which I learned to be aromantic, which makes it difficult. But the fact that I’m aromantic makes that she was not my lover for me. She was my best friend. My relationships aren’t based on love, they are completely based on friendship. And if you’re almost two years together with someone in such a relationship, it means she’s your best friend. But the relation ended, and the unique friendship we had between us two flew away. We’re still good friends, don’t take me wrong, but it’s different.

I’m aromantic, but she loved me. And she couldn’t see me for months when out relationship ended, which I can understand, though I don’t understand anything about love actually. In those months, she talked a lot to a good friend of me. Now they’re texting a lot about almost everything. And it hurts a lot, though it shouldn’t. I should be happy for her that she found a good friend with who she can talk about almost everything, but it’s so difficult for me because she was my best friend once. And it’s really difficult to lose such a unique friendship, in every way possible.

And though I know there is nothing more between them than a good friendship, it’s difficult to share your best friend with someone else. It’s even more difficult for me, because for me, friendship is much more important than for other people. And it’s much more important than I can show. Because friendship for me is exactly like love is for others. And though I AM aromantic and can’t give real love, I want it to happen. I want to fall in love with a special girl and live my life as a dream. I want to be happy in a little family with cute children. I want to love someone, I want to be with someone for the rest of my life. But I can’t. I can’t because I don’t experience love. I don’t experience the feeling other people have. I can see some girl as my best friend with who I maybe want to share my life, but I can’t love them. I can’t. And it hurts me a lot. It’s the fact that I can’t have what I want the most. And that makes me really devastated.

All Alone

So here I am again, all alone. But I can’t be. I need someone in my life. Someone special. Someone I can tell everything. Someone who maybe want to share their life with me. Someone I can trust in any way possible. I really need such a person, more than I can tell with words. I’m all alone, and I’m hurt in almost any way possible. So there it is, the most important thing: I need someone to not be alone with.

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