An Evening With Paul Kalkbrenner

People that know me, know that I like to work at concerts and festivals as a volunteer. It’s basically the biggest part of my leisure. And yesterday wasn’t different; I went to the concert of Paul Kalkbrenner, who is a famous DJ who has played on the main stage of Tomorrowland already.

For my job, I had to hand over flyers to the visitors. Not the most thankful job, as a lot of people try to ignore you and sometimes you get bad looks. But I do what they want from me, right? But it was a mess; people were constantly running back and forth, constantly saying that they already got a flyer. And it was just one big mass of people trying to find their way between all the rest. But the concert began and was fine. That type of music is definitely not my favorite, but I did enjoy it for a time. But I talked with people, met some new people and had an amazing time telling funny stories. It was a nice evening.

After the concert, I had to help at the lockers, hanging up the keys people bring back. And it was fine…for a moment. There was only one passage, which was mainly the only reason for something to break out. Soon the hall was full of people trying to get to their locker. After a time, the passage was too small to let everyone through. People walked in all directions, causing people to almost fall down. I don’t think that happened, and that’s good, because otherwise that person would have been trampled.

We were busy with pushing back our desks; they moved all the time due to all the persons pushing each other while trying to reach the locker. It was a mess. A big mess. I was happy when everyone got away safely and the concert was definitely over.

Although I didn’t really like the kind of music Kalkbrenner was playing, I had an amazing evening with amazing friends. Hopefully tomorrow will be at least even as great. I’m back there then. Maybe I see you over there? 😉


Driver License & Amazing Figuration

Today was a good day. This morning I went for my driver license! Yes, start being very cautious, because I’m driving the roads. It’s a burden that falls of my shoulders now. And I’m glad I got it.

After that, I drove (with my bike, unfortunately) to a set for a Belgian television program called “De Buurtpolitie” (The Local Police). I figurated in the scene, which is something I really like to do. It’s only the third time I went to a figuration, but I do hope I can do it more often. Right now I don’t have enough time for that, unfortunately.

So it was a good day and it’s not even 3pm, so the day has just started. But I think iy’s best for me to learn now for my exam next monday, which is the last one for now. So I hope to blog again soon and hopefully such awesome things as today will happen more often!

Speak you soon.


The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Friends

Do you know those times when you have an amazing, awesome and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious idea to do? Something crazy that you want to share with a best friend who is as crazy as you are? Well, I had one of those moments today.

Disclaimer: I don’t want to offend anyone with this. The person in this text is someone I like a lot and I know we have grown apart the last months and I also know this is possibly my own fault. So this text is not about offending some individual, it’s about friendship and how you grow apart.

I had the possibility to get free tickets for a theater show (not the normal show you’d expect for someone like me) so I asked someone I really like a lot to come with me. I know she’d say yes…a year ago. And that’s a very hard part to process; the fact that someone, someone that you really, REALLY like and that you see as a best friend, has grown apart from you. You start feeling alone, because that person moved on in their life without you.

But normally that doesn’t matter a lot, right? Isn’t it normal that friends come and go? That you part ways? And you’re right. It should be normal. But not for an aromantic person. Whatever comes next, is my opinion on being aromantic. I don’t know if those words count for every aromantic person, but they certainly do for me.

As an aromantic person, your friends are all you have. They are as exclusive as a girlfriend or boybriend in a romantic relationship. Aromantic people doesn’t feel romantic attraction, they only have platonic and/or sexual attraction (which we won’t cover right here). The fact that they only have platonic attraction to people, makes that they form a very important bond with some persons. It’s a connection based on friendship, although the real, good platonic relationships go much further. So it’s like a lover, someone that you need by your side, someone you can relate on.

The fact that you see your best friend being best friends with someone else while declining your (oh, I really like this word!) supercalifragilisticexpialidocious idea (or just awesome, crazy and amazing) is just irritating. It’s making me, as an aromantic person, jealous in some way. And it’s killing me, because I don’t want to be jealous. I want her to be happy, and if that’s with another best friend, who am I to judge? But I can’t bear the fact that it is as it is. That I’m losing her as a best friend. Not as a friend, don’t take me wrong, but I’ve lost her as my best friend. And for someone like me, it’s hurting so much. I don’t know what I can do about it. I really don’t know…

So here I am, all alone while losing my best friend. And broken inside because that amazing friendship we had once, is almost completely gone. Yes we do some things together now, and I really like it. But the special bond we had is gone forever I suppose. I can’t fix it. It’s not possible I think. I’m glad we’re still friends, I really am. But the best part is missing. The part in which you can share anything. It’s gone. And it will never return. Let’s hope I can move on with my life now and find a new best friend, although I don’t think I’d find someone perfect for that soon…

Wanted: A saving friend

Do you know those times when you feel desperate and alone? When it’s like everyone and everything is against you? When you think your last hope has flown? Do you know those moments, when it’s like you’re all alone?

I do. I’m in one of them at this very moment. The thing is, being me isn’t simple. I’m a complex person with complex ideas in a complex world. And the truth is: I don’t like complex. It’s making things difficult when it shouldn’t be. But it is as it is, and I can’t change it.

The last months I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and I do believe I’m on the right track to know what’s wrong in my life. I need a best friend. I’ve had three, if I’m totally honest.

The Old School Friend

The first one was my best friend from school. We hung out a lot back then, and we were best friends. Well, he had one better friend than me, but I couldn’t care then. ‘Cause yeah, who else wants to be my friend, right? He moved, and I didn’t see him for a very long time. We lost all the contact. But the angels were there for us, as we found each other again through Facebook. I’m sometimes skeptical about it, but it does bring people back together sometimes. And that made us best friends again.

And we had a lot of fun together. We started a project, we had big dreams. We talked everyday and there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t say against him. It was awesome to have someone with who you can share literally anything. From the stupidest things to all the details of the girls we were dating. And then everything broke down.

We had a fight. About a girl. I wanted to date a girl that he rejected, and he wasn’t ok with that. He decided really quickly to stop talking to me, without giving me a chance to talk about it. I tried calling him, trying to contact him in every way, but without success. He wouldn’t listen. The girl was trying the same, because she didn’t want us two to break up as best friends neither. But I lost all the hope. I was devastated.

What followed was a cold war. I tried to contact him, but when I could finally reach him on the phone, I didn’t know what to say. I was crying. A lot. Because I lost my best friend. I lost the person I could say and do anything with. So I wanted to take him back. And he reported me to the police station for something I luckily didn’t do. Otherwise I’d have been in jail, I suppose. And that was the end of our friendship. We have been working together after that (in a store) for two months, and we decided to stop making such a mess, but the damage was already done. What we had before couldn’t be fixed.

The Girl Who Liked Me Too Much

After that, I didn’t have a best friend until secondary school in Kontich, where I met some girl who was amazing. We went to the movies two times in a month, we hang out a lot, we even saw the new version of the titanic in the cinema. And it was awesome. She was someone that I trust, and that isn’t easy for me most of the time. But she was there for me. Always. Ok, I did some things wrong, but who doesn’t, right? And everything was fine.

But then we went to see soccer. I was dumped that day by my girl friend back then and I was completely broken. She came to the city for me and tried to cheer me up with soccer. I really don’t like soccer, but it helped me a little bit that day. But then we kissed. And that shouldn’t have happened.

I never saw her as girlfriend material. Never. She was my best friend and I didn’t want her to be anything else to me. But I was emotionally low and I kissed her back. If there’s something I regret a lot, it’s that. Not because of her, but because it broke our whole friendship. It couldn’t last and it didn’t. But the friendship never came back as before.

The Girl Of My Longest Relationship

The third best friend I had was a girl I was a couple with, though I didn’t know that then. I actually know the real truth since a few days; the relationship ended almost six months ago.

She was amazing and I liked her for who she was. But she’s also the relationship in which I learned to be aromantic, which makes it difficult. But the fact that I’m aromantic makes that she was not my lover for me. She was my best friend. My relationships aren’t based on love, they are completely based on friendship. And if you’re almost two years together with someone in such a relationship, it means she’s your best friend. But the relation ended, and the unique friendship we had between us two flew away. We’re still good friends, don’t take me wrong, but it’s different.

I’m aromantic, but she loved me. And she couldn’t see me for months when out relationship ended, which I can understand, though I don’t understand anything about love actually. In those months, she talked a lot to a good friend of me. Now they’re texting a lot about almost everything. And it hurts a lot, though it shouldn’t. I should be happy for her that she found a good friend with who she can talk about almost everything, but it’s so difficult for me because she was my best friend once. And it’s really difficult to lose such a unique friendship, in every way possible.

And though I know there is nothing more between them than a good friendship, it’s difficult to share your best friend with someone else. It’s even more difficult for me, because for me, friendship is much more important than for other people. And it’s much more important than I can show. Because friendship for me is exactly like love is for others. And though I AM aromantic and can’t give real love, I want it to happen. I want to fall in love with a special girl and live my life as a dream. I want to be happy in a little family with cute children. I want to love someone, I want to be with someone for the rest of my life. But I can’t. I can’t because I don’t experience love. I don’t experience the feeling other people have. I can see some girl as my best friend with who I maybe want to share my life, but I can’t love them. I can’t. And it hurts me a lot. It’s the fact that I can’t have what I want the most. And that makes me really devastated.

All Alone

So here I am again, all alone. But I can’t be. I need someone in my life. Someone special. Someone I can tell everything. Someone who maybe want to share their life with me. Someone I can trust in any way possible. I really need such a person, more than I can tell with words. I’m all alone, and I’m hurt in almost any way possible. So there it is, the most important thing: I need someone to not be alone with.